she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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