I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
