I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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