If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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