Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
