Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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