Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
