hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
