Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
