we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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