Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
