just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just made my gag reflex go away.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
