How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Randomize
