Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Randomize
