my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
