I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize