Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Woke up backwards on a recliner
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
