Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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