at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
