We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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