just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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