Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
