I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
