why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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