It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
