he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I think your dad took our porno
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
