I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
