yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
