i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
