Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I feel like a drive thru vagina
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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