true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
