Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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