I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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