It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
never play flip cup with pint glasses
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
