I met the friendliest cop last night
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
