I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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