I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
