Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize