When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
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