Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
