too bad you live with your parents still
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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