I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
