If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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