ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
