I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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