I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
