I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
