She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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