she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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