Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
