If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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