I can text with my tongue
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
