I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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