I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
