WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
