i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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