Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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