Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she pinky promised me she was 18
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
