and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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