"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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