i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
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