I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize