STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
