Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
