Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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