The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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