remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
