omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
