Will you blow on my dice?
Can i not drive my cunt home
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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