True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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