I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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