You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
