I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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