I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
