he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
