Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
